RED ONE REVIEW

“Possibly one of the most misguided holiday movies ever made.”

What do you get when take two actors considered to be massive global superstars like Dwayne Johnson or Chris Evans and unite them for a high-concept Christmas-themed action movie that tries its best to appeal to the widest audience possible? Of course, it would make sense to bring on screenwriter/producer Chris Morgan, who has had such luck writing for Johnson in the “Fast and Furious” movies and director Jake Kasdan, who has helmed some of the funniest comedies from the past two decades, including Johnson’s “Jumanji” movies. Surely, nothing could possibly go wrong, even when you see that Johnson’s long-time producing partner Dany Garcia came up with the original story, right?

The general premise involves Santa Claus (codename: “Red One”), as played by the great J.K. Simmons, going missing and his head of security Cal (Johnson) having to team with a renegade hacker named Jack O’Malley (Evans) to find the kidnapper and save Santa with less than a day until Christmas. It’s the highest of concepts that should be an easy pitch and easier sale, but as with anything, it’s all about the execution and that’s where Red One falters so very badly.

We meet Jack as a youngster who doesn’t believe in Santa Claus and 30 years later, he learns that not only is Santa real, but that he’s been made it to Level 4 on Santa’s naughty list, as Cal and his team learn that Jack helped someone with Santa’s kidnapping. It seems simple enough, but one of the biggest immediate problems with Red One is that it piles on so many ideas into the premise that it just gets far more complicated than it need be. It begins when we first visit Santa’s North Pole workshop, and we encounter all sorts of CG-created critics, including a polar bear named (what else?) “Garcia,” and other talking animals. Most of the film follows Jack and Cal’s quest to find Claus and the encounters they have with Cal using a wristband that makes him shrink to elf-size, something that looks so ridiculous the first time we see it, and then every other time it’s used.

The main baddie for the piece is Kiernan Shipka (from “The Chilling Adventures of Sabrina” and Longlegs) as the Christmas Witch, one of many performances that are just so over-the-top bad. Even the likes of Lucy Liu and Bonnie Hunt  don’t come out of this unscathed, as they’re wasted in roles that don’t give them very much to do. And then, Nick Kroll shows up for what is probably one of the worst scenes of the entire movie, one in which your jaw might drop wide open that no one realized how terrible the scene is. Things get only slightly better as Cal and Jack encounter the Krampus, played by Kristofer Hivju from “Game of Thrones” (which I only know thanks to Matt Neglia!). It’s a fun scene that shows off one of the film’s strongest suits, which is the prosthetic make-up work, because that scene is also filled with creatures but ones more created practically rather than using computers. It makes a big difference. 

The biggest problem with Red One is that it isn’t even remotely funny. I don’t remember even one single laugh, except maybe for a few scenes already shown in the trailer to make the movie look more like an action-comedy than it actually is. It’s obvious that the filmmakers were hoping to create another Christmas classic ala Will Ferrell’s Elf, but with such a dull screenplay full of needless exposition about everything happening, and a sappy groan-worthy ending, there’s just no repeat viewing for this one. 

Red One looks like it cost a lot of money, and for some reason, it wasn’t made into a kid-friendly comedy that could appeal to entire families, ala Elf. Instead, it’s a PG-13 action movie that wrongfully assumes anyone over 12 might have any interest in this kind of film due to its stars. The results are an overproduced and convoluted action-fest that piles on so many ideas and visual effects that it becomes intolerable, even to the point of being almost unwatchable. 

This is a movie solely for the “normies,” and frankly, even they don’t go to the movies just to see anything anymore. If they think even for a second that the MGM overlords will put this on Prime Video by the end of the year, they’re just going to wait to see it that way. I wouldn’t be even remotely surprised if this is the next movie of 2024 to be considered an outright bomb.

In other words, Red One could possibly be one of the most misguided holiday movies ever made. Instead of putting you into the Xmas spirit, it makes you feel as if you’ve just been force-fed a giant lump of coal. 

Rating: 4/10

Red One opens in North America on November 15, but the “lucky people” across the pond and in other international markets get to see it this very week!